This Week in Holy Crimes: Via Joe.My.God

This Week In Holy Crimes

Over the last seven days...

Kentucky: Pastor Prince Wilbert Woolfolk sentenced to 20 years for raping a teenage girl.

Virginia: Presbyterian missionary Eun Tae Lee charged with embezzling $700K from his church.

Massachusetts: Father William Ventura busted in Craigslist prostitution sting.

New York: Rabbi Baruch Lebovits sentenced to 10-32 years in prison for molesting teenage boy.

Colorado: Father Paul Montez accused of stalking teenage boy and plying him with gifts and trips.

New York: Pastor Humberto Cruz sentenced to 15 years for molesting three boys.

Texas: Pastor Curtis Otha Grant charged with 14 felony counts of molesting girls.

Colorado: Pastor James Smoker convicted of physically abusing a mentally-challenged adult in his care.

New Jersey: Accomplices of Rabbi Ben Haim plead guilty of multimillion dollar money laundering scheme involving counterfeit luxury handbags. Haim is expected to plead guilty as well.

Arizona: Father Dale Fushek pleads guilty of sexual assault on teenage boy. Fushek was accused of molesting seven boys, but in return for one guilty plea, the other charges were dropped.

New York: Father James McDevitt, charged with 20 counts of child molestation, is being sued by four of his alleged victims.

This Week's Winner-
The Pope has hired a Beverly Hills lawyer to defend the Vatican against charges that it enabled child molestations by shielding accused priests. Jeffrey Lena will appear before the Supreme Court to argue that it has no jurisdiction to try the Vatican for transferring a known molester priest from Ireland to Oregon. Lena has numerous similar cases pending in lower courts around the country.
{Via Joe.My.God}

Hysterical $lag Parody: Tik Tok On Chatroulette **NSFW**

If you are anything like me (über fabulous with a wicked taste in music!) you will undoubtedly have as much disdain as I do for that autotuned slag Ke$ha!  I mean, what a total fucking waste of space!  She is not only not cute (see below) but the bitch couldn't sing her way out of a paper bag if her life depended on it.  How she ever got a record deal is beyond comprehension (I'm sure she pulled a train at some industry party full of pervy old men)  So of course I was very happy to have come across this fabulous and very NSFW parody some guy did while on Chatroulette he really nails it and somehow I find this much better than the original, go figure  Watch after the jump....And if you need further proof of how stab your ears bad she is, check out her "performance" from last night's SNL HERE.

Get Yer Freak On!

I often go through periods of nostalgia and longing for the magical decade of the 70's, a wonderful time of shag carpet, polyester, bell bottoms and of course some of the best music EVER!  Well, the other night I was visiting a friend and happened to notice a magnet in his kitchen that brought back some memories....it was Boss Moss from Freakies cereal!  Memba that?!  I do and I also remember some of the awesome prizes you'd get inside the box and I wanted that magnet so damn bad!  For a moment I contemplated swiping that thing as I coveted it so....but I'm a good boy and the angel on my shoulder prevailed.(UPDATE: Upon further reflection I'm thinking I SHOULD have swiped that magnet...this was the same person who called me chub! ~see earlier post~ I'll show you, fuck face...that magnet is so mine next time I come over!)  But here's a throwback for you fellow fab kids of the 70's!  A Freakies cereal commercial montage & history of the cereal after the jump....woo hoo!

Sex Sells: New Nail Polish For Your Inner Skank!

BleachBlack's New Nail Polish Color Is Called Jizz...

Never ones to beat around the bush, Kristin and Valerie of BleachBlack have come out with the second nailpolish color to follow their offering for the holiday season, Dickweed. A pearly, milky white, Jizz pretty much looks like what it's supposed to—but unpleasant imagery aside, the hue has both a punk and a feminine slant with the all-white shade glossed up with a bit of a sheen. We'll let you know when it's up for sale, just be careful not to swallow!

I know what I'll be sporting on my digits this summer!

Maybe He's A Chubby Chaser?

I just got called a chub.  Now, what the fuck!?  I mean I am not in the best shape of my life, but @ 5 11" & approx 190 something (I always deduct the necessary pounds I figure my clothes must weigh in order to come in under 200, as naturally one would....am I right?)

So, I'm sure this was not INTENDED as a slight....but c'mon, it's not exactly a compliment!  I was always  slender and I still am that fabulous 160 something I once was (in my minds eye)....I just figured someone had put up fun house mirrors everywhere and went about my day thinking I still look like I did when I was 21, sizes & labels be damned!

I even adopted the Skor candy bar slogan as my personal mantra...."You can never be too rich or too thin".  It's vapid, I know, but I thought it was clever at 15 and I once was half that equation and I could still dream of being rich...Now nearing 40, I know better than to be so deluded and tonight I lost the "thin" part of what I thought I'd always have going for me.  I am officially a fat bastard...a "chub"....

A "What The F**k Was I Thinking??!" Moment

Ugh...so last night I was oot & aboot and had a wee bit of vodka and for some brilliant reason thought I'd swing by an ex's (unannounced drop by).  Let's just say that wasn't the best idea I've ever had!  I knocked on the door and they opened.... I said something fucktardish like "it's your worst nightmare"  Well, joke's on me because it WAS one of mine and probably true for them....the ex had "company" already and it was apparent they weren't watching the news or trading tuna casserole recipes(wink, wink)

Jesus, did I feel like a complete fucking fool! Can you say AWKWARD!?  I just don't understand why in the world when you have a fucking peep hole and can see who the hell is knocking BEFORE you answer you would choose @ this moment to answer for an ex when you're fixin' to get you some with a trick!

  I'm hoping I can just pass it off as stopping by to get something I thought I had left there after our break up last July.

Kick A** Music: Cyndi Lauper "When You Were Mine"

A Favorite song of mine from the Eighties....

"When You Were Mine", a cover of Prince's song that was later released as a promotional single in 1985. Lauper spent 1984 touring and promoting She's So Unusual. By the end of the year, she was the first female to have four consecutive Billboard Hot 100 Top Five hits from one album. The LP itself stayed in the Top 40 charts for more than 65 weeks and sold 16 million copies worldwide - more than 6 1/2 million in the United States alone.  Watch Cyndi's American Music Awards performance of "When You Were Mine" after the jump.

Explosively Funny: The Best Thing You'll Read All Day

I received the following story from my brother and just HAD to post this....probably the funniest thing I have read ever!  Read the whole story after the jump.

Heaters

via Dilbert.com Blog on 16/04/10

[Warning: This post uses vulgar language because it involves the manly activity of assembling mechanical devices.]

"The other day I tried to assemble two outdoor heaters that Shelly and I bought online. This is exactly the sort of project I would pay someone else to do, if such a person existed. Specifically, what I need is a man with four testicles so that when we team up we have, on average, enough to get a job like this done.

Did I mention that the heaters use liquid propane? Or that they come with angry warnings guaranteeing you will die in a giant fireball?  Maybe the manufacturer has to say that sort of thing for legal purposes, but I took it as a death threat. My fight-or-flight response went straight into overdrive. I picked up a screwdriver and started going all knife fight in every direction in case the heaters had accomplices...."

Comments: Where the FU*K Are They!?

So yes, I'm a theiving bastard without an original idea and I stole this post from another blog I read called "A White Chocolate Mess"....but he said it so well, and with a wicked sense of humor.  So, here's what I'm plagiarizing (cheers, Mess!)

"Did you know that comments to a blogger are like applause to an actor, like dollar bills to a stripper? Well, act like you know! Good, bad or indifferent, we want to hear from you. And it's fun making up crazy ass names to sign your comments with."

So there you have it, bitches!  I'm workin' the blogger pole so throw me some comment singles before I snap my lucite stiletto!!

Business Sign FAIL!

While driving through Traverse City yesterday I spotted a sign for a car repair place (possibly Jiffy Lube Or Midas or something, can't really remember) and as we were driving I couldn't really snap a pic, but it read:

"$10 Off Tranny Service"

Hmmmm....apparently they haven't a clue, but I certainly got a good laugh at their stupidity.